Little Ray of Hope

The past couple of days have been extremely painful. Dustin’s grandfather’s funeral service was this week. While the death of his grandfather was sad, it felt fair. He lived a long life. He knew love, married, had children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. None of which Payton will ever know.

Friday we visited his grandmother. Tatum kept asking “where great-grandpa go?”. I couldn’t answer her. Daily (often multiple times a day), she asks “where baby go?”, “where mommy baby go?”, “where sister go?”, or “where Baby Pay go?”. The question comes at any moment during the day; playing, running outside, driving, eating dinner, taking a bath, any time. The timing is so random I have a hard time remaining on guard for the inevitable question. The answer is always the same; “Baby Payton is in Heaven with Jesus”. Tatum then asks “where Jes?”. She repeats, in her own words, “Baby Pay Jes house” and searches for her children’s Bible. Friday I couldn’t bring myself to tell her great-grandpa is also in Heaven with Jesus. The next day Dustin’s grandmother died. Again, it is sad to lose anyone (especially so soon after losing his grandfather), but it felt fair. She also lived a long life. She knew love, married, had children, grandchildren, and great-grandchild. All I can focus on is two months ago I lost my beautiful daughter, which is not fair. All I can feel is the pain of losing my child.

The little ray of hope was a neighbor found and returned the cat, which was missing for 6 weeks. The cat, despite being severely dehydrated and malnutritioned, will be fine. I am so grateful and relieved I don’t have to tell Tatum her cat has gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. It’s so important the cat (a cat I’m not particularly fond of) lives. It’s as if the cat represents all the loss our family has suffered. All the loss Tatum has suffered (even the loss she isn’t aware of). All the loss her two-year-old brain is trying to understand. Only, this time I have a chance to save her from the loss. I never had a chance to save Payton. But I have a chance to save the cat. To save Tatum from losing her dearly loved cat. Logically I know I cannot really save the cat. But emotionally I have to. I have to do anything and everything to save the cat’s life. I cannot bare it if the cat doesn’t live. Honestly, if the cat died it might be the final thing to send me over the edge.