27 Months

Twenty-seven months of...

wondering the color her eyes (and hair) would have been 

wondering how bright her smile would have shined  

wondering who she would be today and every day before

wondering what her first word would have been

wondering what her favorite food (or toy) would have been

wondering how different my life would be

wishing I can go back in time and change something, anything so she'd be here

missing her

loving her

longing for the day I will hold her again

Dads' Triggers?

 Like most moms I have many triggers. Dates, events, places, songs, even television shows I subconsciously associate with the death of my daughter and the ensuing pain. Countless times I've been preoccupied with life and suddenly I'm sobbing for no apparent reason. Then it will hit me... this day 2009 I learned I was pregnant, I was sitting in this room when I began having contractions, this was the song sung at church the first Sunday after burying Payton, etc. Some triggers I can predict while others are random but after hearing (or reading) from other moms, I assume it's a normal part of grieving. For moms. I never gave it much thought if dads have their own triggers. Other than the hospital we walked away from empty handed I didn't think Dustin had any. He never said otherwise. Well, last night on the way home from Tatum's dance class I called to ask if he wanted to meet us for dinner. There aren't any restaurants in our town (unless you count Subway) and only a handful in the next town over. We were deciding where to eat when Dustin said, "I can't go to 3 Margarita's that was the last place we ate at before Payton died". Wow! I was so surprised to learn he has his own triggers but also I hadn't made that connection. Yet, as soon as I heard the words I was flooded with the memory of being there with my big belly and laughing about eating spicy food to induce labor. I know without a doubt if I walked into the restaurant I could point out the booth we were sitting in, I can picture it so clearly. It saddens me Dustin has kept this to himself for over two years. I wonder does he have any other triggers?