Missing You

Precious Payton,
I cannot believe it has been one year since I held you in my arms... One year since I said hello and goodbye. Instead of planning a birthday party, I will be decorating your grave.
Some days losing you seems unreal, like a bad dream, a figment of my imagination. Some days the pain in my heart feels strong enough to kill me. You were apart of our life for 36 wonderful weeks. Your kicks woke me. We shared secrets while driving. Nausea was your way of telling me you were hungry. You kicked to let your father know you were listening. Your sister kiss my belly goodnight.
Payton, your dad, sister and I miss you so much. We wish you were here. Not a moment goes by that you are not in my thoughts. Whatever I do, everywhere I go, I'm reminded you are not here with us. There is a bedroom with an empty crib... An infant seat missing from the backseat of my car... Pictures of you are missing... Diapers, bottles, bibs, toys left unused.
I try to remember we will be together soon, but it does not always help.
Loving and missing you always,
Mommy

Full of Woe

I woke in panic. Remembering Wednesday one year ago; waking to contractions, feeling anxious all day, and then... As I went about the morning the flashbacks started. Dropping Tatum off at day care. Driving home from the doctor's office. Pulling into our garage. Unable to exit the car. Walking upstairs. Seeing Payton's door. Seeing my reflection in a mirror. I didn't expect today the 19th to be hard. Still I cannot stop thinking of the events that happened Wednesday 2010. Cannot stop feeling the pain, the despair of the events of last year.

Cannot stop the guilt. My body, me, I'm responsible for killing Payton. My job was the protect her from harm. I failed. I failed Payton. I failed to bring Tatum's sister home. I failed to give Dustin a healthy, living second daughter. My heartbreaks for their pain.

It breaks my heart more to hear Dustin is having similar thoughts, remembering his Wednesday meeting last year when he got my call.

I am glad I decided to work from home today, changing at least one situation.

Oh, I forgot to mention when Dustin turned on the TV rather than the Disney channel he accidentally turned to one TLC's baby series. Later, I turned on the same TV but Disney, the last channel watched was not on. You guessed it, one of TLC's baby shows was on. How the HECK? Way to kick me when I'm down.  

Regrets

Lately, my mind races... my heart weighs a thousand pounds... consumed with regrets. Regretting decisions I made during childhood and adolescence. Hating the decisions I've made as an adult. Questioning if I am capable of making a good decision. Then this morning on the radio, the DJs read an email from a listener. The listener asked if there is true love. Two of the DJs debated their notion of love. A third DJ's (I usually disagree with his opinions) comment was a bit profound. He said true love is not romance and excitement. True love is deciding to make the relationship work regardless of the bad times. He said there are more bad times than good (he is so optimistic), but if you stick around for the good it is always worth it.

His opinion made me realize my regrets are pointless. If a single decision was made differently I would not be where I am. I would not have met my husband. I would not be married to a wonderful man. I would not know true love. I would not know the unconditional love of motherhood. I would not have Tatum. Losing Payton will never feel okay. I miss her every day. I think about her every day. I long for her every day. Yet, the only regret that is mine was being blissfully ignorant and trusting my doctors.

365 Day Challenge, Finding Hope

With the new year, 365 day challenges seem to be on blogs every where. From photography, exercising, weight loss, going green, trying something new, etc. The idea is simple (at least it sounds so), to do/notice something every day and post it. The idea of a challenge is nice. But honestly, I'm to lazy to commit to exercising or taking a photo daily. And how can posting a photo a day improve my life? Yes it sounds fun, but I don't see how it would help.

Hopelessness, not seeing the value, there it is. Feeling hopeless is what I'm struggling with. January 20, 2010 just after 3:30pm my life crumbed as I laid there staring at screen that didn't show a beating heart, only darkness, blackness. All my hopes and dreams for this life were ripped from my heart. Since then I haven't hoped or dreamed. I know I'm not unusually for this feeling, yet I still don't like it. Therefore, I'm challenging myself to find hope. Wikipedia defines hope as "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life".

I challenge myself to find Hope in this world... Hope in life after this world... Hope in others (non-BLM)... Hope in my life... Hope in a future

Every day I will do or notice at least one thing and post. Already, I'm already behind, but from this point I will give it my best.    

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.- Anne Lamott

Well I am starting from the darkness place one could imagine.

Hope is the grief's best music.- Author Unknown

Please grief help me hear music again.

Click on the 365 Days of Hope page to the right to follow the journey.