Gifts From Above

For Payton's eight month angleversary I received two gifts. Tuesday evening we got a call informing us Payton's marker was complete. This morning it warmed my heart when I realized Carly posted the picture on the 21st. They are truly gifts sent by Payton and cannot be explained away by coincidence, at least that is what I believe. Thank you, I needed peace and a smile. Mommy loves you Payton!

8 Months

Dear Sweet Payton,
Time moves so fast and slow at the same time. I cannot believe it is has been eight months since we held you in our arms. Eight months since we said goodbye. Eight months since you grew wings and flew to Heaven. I miss you every day but these last few months I seem to miss you even more, if that is possible. I constantly wonder what you would be doing. Sitting and crawling? What foods would you like? What would your favorite toy be? What would be your first word? I picture Tatum trying to change, dress, and carry you everywhere like she does her dolls. I imagine rocking you to sleep and kissing away your tears. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here.
Loving you always,
Mommy

The Passenger

This should be Payton instead, Tatum has to settle for her doll :(.

Results

From the perinatologist, "The final finding on the autopsy was that there may have been a clot in the umbilical cord that led to loss of your child...The negative anticoagulation panel indicates no specific diagnosis.."

I feel sad, confused, lost... I have no words just many unanswered questions.

Pain or Nothing?

Lately I have been feeling numb, nothing. I use to think feeling numb was better than pain. Whenever I'd hear the lyrics “Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all” from Three Days Grace's 'Pain', I would wonder why anyone would rather feel pain. Now I get it. When you are numb, not only do you not feel pain but you also don't feel happiness or any other emotion.

Today I ran into a colleague I have not seen in about a year. The first thing she said to me, "you had another baby, right?'. It took my breath away. My brain scrambled for what to say. In the end, I simply told her that we lost our daughter. Her response was exactly how I always want people to respond, "I'm so sorry. That must be so hard. How are you doing?" And than she did not avoid me like I have the plague.

This afternoon I received a beautiful picture from Emalee. Thank you!

Not Much To Say

I haven't had anything to write about in a few weeks. We are still waiting for more information from the perinatologist. The wave of anguish seems to have past for the moment. I feel more numb than devastated. My therapist calls it a "reprieve".

This afternoon we went to Payton's gravesite. Her permanent marker has not come in but I wanted to leave a small bouquet of flowers from her garden before fall.