With the new year, 365 day challenges seem to be on blogs every where. From photography, exercising, weight loss, going green, trying something new, etc. The idea is simple (at least it sounds so), to do/notice something every day and post it. The idea of a challenge is nice. But honestly, I'm to lazy to commit to exercising or taking a photo daily. And how can posting a photo a day improve my life? Yes it sounds fun, but I don't see how it would help.
Hopelessness, not seeing the value, there it is. Feeling hopeless is what I'm struggling with. January 20, 2010 just after 3:30pm my life crumbed as I laid there staring at screen that didn't show a beating heart, only darkness, blackness. All my hopes and dreams for this life were ripped from my heart. Since then I haven't hoped or dreamed. I know I'm not unusually for this feeling, yet I still don't like it. Therefore, I'm challenging myself to find hope. Wikipedia defines hope as "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life".
I challenge myself to find Hope in this world... Hope in life after this world... Hope in others (non-BLM)... Hope in my life... Hope in a future
Every day I will do or notice at least one thing and post. Already, I'm already behind, but from this point I will give it my best.
Hopelessness, not seeing the value, there it is. Feeling hopeless is what I'm struggling with. January 20, 2010 just after 3:30pm my life crumbed as I laid there staring at screen that didn't show a beating heart, only darkness, blackness. All my hopes and dreams for this life were ripped from my heart. Since then I haven't hoped or dreamed. I know I'm not unusually for this feeling, yet I still don't like it. Therefore, I'm challenging myself to find hope. Wikipedia defines hope as "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life".
I challenge myself to find Hope in this world... Hope in life after this world... Hope in others (non-BLM)... Hope in my life... Hope in a future
Every day I will do or notice at least one thing and post. Already, I'm already behind, but from this point I will give it my best.
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.- Anne Lamott
Well I am starting from the darkness place one could imagine.
Hope is the grief's best music.- Author Unknown
Please grief help me hear music again.
Day 1, January 1st
After much stress, the new renters moved into the townhouse. Another year of renting out. Another year of the townhouse mortgage being paid.
Day 2, January 2nd
At a birthday party Tatum was determine to roller skate for the first time. Her determination, persistence, and joy in her efforts is hope.
Day 3, January 3rd
Submitted registration form to participate in the next Anchored by Hope session.
Day 4, January 4th
Fourth wedding anniversary! If we can survive 2010 together, we might make it ☺!
Started the challenge. Choosing to see life from a different, more positive point of view. Maybe at the end of the year I'll find hope, healing, and peace. That's two today!
Day 5, January 5th
Listening to the radio this morning I heard a story of hope, resilience, and second chances. Inspirational!
Today was a miserable day: irritability, cramps, vomiting, diarrhea (sorry TMI), and receiving upsetting news. I went to bed not able to find a single positive, feeling completely hopeless. But then... Kitty came to lay with me and I began to reflect on her transformation. Kitty use to be standoffish. She came and went as she pleased. She only tolerated us. Then last year Kitty went on a six-week journey around our new neighborhood. She was barely alive when a neighbor brought her home. Since then Kitty is completely different. She is loving, affectionate, sweet, and adorable. Petting her soft fur... hearing her soothing purrs... I have never been a cat person, but I am Kitty's person! Look at her. Isn't she so cute?! If Kitty can change maybe people can?
Day 7, January 7th
Okay, this one might sound twisted, but let me explain. Dexter. We recently switched to satellite TV and with it came three months free Showtime. We became interested in the television show "Dexter" and are watching previous seasons. Dexter is a vigilante serial killer. He is Damaged!... Disturbed!... But likable... redeemable. And I have to admit I'm impressed his adopted father channeled Dexter's 'urges' for the better. It is impossible not to want good for him. Impossible not to want Dexter to triumph over his demons. Impossible not to route for him. Killing isn't right, but it is impossible not to see the good in him. Alright you might be thinking I'm crazy. Still, "Dexter" is my new favorite show.
Day 8, January 8th
Blessed to have a lovely friend who isn't scared or uncomfortable to mention Payton.
Day 9, January 9th
The look of absolute wonder on Tatum's face as she rolled in snow.
Day 10, January 10th
Tacos for dinner. Okay it's a stretch but it's all I got today.
Day 11, January 11th
Sticking around for the good times; ambushed with tickles and raspberries from hubby and Tatum.
Day 12, January 12th
It hasn't even been two weeks and I'm struggling to be positive. Never knew it took so much work. Anyway, today was my first acupuncture session. I imagined walking out of the office feeling rejuvenated and optimistic. Surprise, I didn't. If anything I felt more emotionally and physically drained. I sobbed on the way home and until I cried myself to sleep for 2.5 hours. Not the results I was looking for. Yet, trying to see the positive... it was a step. A step I thought might lift the darkness. Maybe an emotional release was needed. The sleep was definitely needed.
Day 13, January 13th
Being a therapist I believe in the mind-body connection. That is, our body responses to our feelings, thoughts, and actions; and vise versa. All are connected. Therefore, it is no surprise I feel sad, I'm not hopeful, I'm exhausted, achy, having trouble sleeping, and stressed. Today tried "Yogo" (translation yoga) with Tatum. Didn't feel any better, but it was another step.
Day 14, January 14th
Slept in until 6:30 am! Yogo must have done some good after all.
Day 15, January 15th
Went to the stock show, which was something we have talked about for a few years.
Day 16, January 16th
Hubby identified what he needed to decrease his stress. Then watched him spend hours putting together the home gym. Very proud of him!
Day 17, January 17th
Saw a rainbow the exact moment "Someday" by Rob Thomas played on the radio. Followed by "This" from Darius Rucker. "This" is a newly released song. "Someday" isn't new but I hadn't heard it in a while. The timing of both was perfect.
Day 18, January 18th
Observed changes in a family I'm working with.
Day 19, January 19th
Today was a hard day. I had memories of Wednesday one year ago this week. The day we learned Payton did not have a heartbeat. It completely took me by surprise how painful today was. And the TLC baby shows didn't help. I went to bed emotionally drained. As I laid there I tried to make sense of the baby show 'signs'. Trying to view life more positively, maybe rather than a knife in my heart the sign is telling me know another baby is in our future? Maybe I'm reaching?
Day 20, January 20th
To keep busy we decorated our living room. Strange to think this a positive step but I felt closer to Payton then before. No more bare walls, with little evidence of a family. Now there are pictures of a loving family with not one, but two beautiful daughters. One in our arms and one forever in our hearts.
Day 21, January 21st
After picking out flowers for Payton's grave we of coarse walked down the baby isle. My first thought was 'of coarse another punch in the gut', but I tried again to see it as a positive sign. Maybe... I am grateful to our family and friends who remembered Payton today. To be honest I am also surprised.
Day 22, January 22nd
14 family and friends remembered Payton with us by releasing balloons and sharing a meal. I'll post more soon.
Day 23, January 23rd
A day of much needed rest. Felt good to clear the brain.
Day 24, January 24th
I'm a little scared to put this out there and get my hopes up. Yet, I do feel hopeful about this and need to be honest. Posted on the cork board in the office lunch room was a school-based counselor position. Ah, I so want the job. It is on another team and not year round. I really must find other employment or another position. It is so sad, but I dread the team I am currently apart of. We only meet once a month but I find reasons to miss the meeting, including taking the day off. One concern I have is the position was posted on the 7th. Still, I submitted my resume'. I'm hopeful this is the change I need!
Update: position was already filled :(.
Update: position was already filled :(.
Day 25, January 25th
Coordinated with the co-leader to plan our first Face2Face meeting! Informed other BLM of the group.
Day 26, January 28th
I'm behind. And I have nothing for the last two days. Today I received a surprise refund check. Extra money is always positive ☺!
Day 27, January 29th
Finally bought a photo editing/ clip-art program.
Day 28, January 30th
Spent the majority of the day scrapbooking. It was a productive outlet for my nervous energy.
Day 29, January 31st
Learned my employer closed tomorrow due to cold weather. Wahoo!
Day 30, February 1st
Rediscovered the joy of sleeping on the stomach.
Day 31, February 2nd
First Face2Face meeting, so nice (despite our common bond) to meet such a wonderful woman. She blessed me with "The Book of Awakening". Cannot wait to begin reading.
Day 32, February 9th
A Mother's Prayer Let me repeat this affirmation as many times a day as needed. These days that number is triple digits.
Day 33, February 10th
At a conference of approximately 200 people, I counted 7 pregnant women and 4 with babies. I tried to avoid them. However, they followed me. Perhaps, I need to view this as positive, as in I'm 'attracting' pregnancies and babies.
Day 34, February 12th
I stink at this challenge, my own challenge. Argh! At the home and garden show I found a 'Welcome' garden stake with a frog and butterfly as if it was there waiting for me.
Day 35, February 13th
Relaxing family day.
Day 36, February 14th
Valentine's Day hasn't ever been important to my husband or I, just another day. However, today we went to dinner at the restruarnt we had our first date. The restaurant is mediocre Italian food, but was perfect- reminiscing and reflecting on our life together. For the first time ever, I can honestly say I would do it all over again. After losing Payton, I often wondered (and struggled with) what our lives would be if Dustin and I were never together or made any tiny choice different; all to avoid the pain of losing Payton. I will always wish Payton was here with us, but I now know I wouldn't change our life together to avoid loving Payton. I love her as much as I would if she where here with us. And if Dustin and I were never together she wouldn't exist.
Day 37, February 15th
Was able to say goodbye to my older brother. Despite being sad my brother is moving to Guam I am happy for him. He is moving to be with his 15yo daughter he recently learned exists through FB.
Day 38, February 16th
Mind clear. My perspective is, dare I say positive?
Day 39, February 17th
Second night without dreaming of my childhood home. Is it possible the message has been received?
Day 40, February 18th
With my mind clear and sleeping better I have energy. It felt great to clean the house and still have energy to play with Tatum.
Day 41, February 19th
With the husband out for the evening, I spent some much needed alone time.
Day 42, February 20th
Seeing Dustin's motivation in action as he searched and applied for new jobs. His motivation and enthusiasm is contagious.
Day 43, February 21st
Dustin and I agreed to hold each other accountable to our goal of working out. This morning we reluctantly dragged ourselves out of bed to exercise. Despite our reluctance, what a great way to start the day. I received an email with information on the next ABH's session ☺!
Day 44, February 22nd
Thankful for my family, friends, and all we have. Thankful for the BLMs.
Day 45, February 23rd
One of those days...Yet, I still worked out this morning.
Day 46, February 24th
At the suggestion of Tatum, made a reservation to spend an evening in the mountains. A weekend get away is exactly in order.
Day 47, February 25th
Received an email from a good friend. Practiced yoga.
Day 48 and 49, February 26th and 27th
Spent the weekend in Estes Park. Swam, saw a play, and eat yummy food.
Day 50, February 28th
Hallelujah, God answers prayers. Received additional information about ABH. Ordered study guide. For the first time in over a year, actually feel hopeful. Will the feeling last?
Day 51, March 1st
Hope is fading (please no!), and with it sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and anxiety are itching their way back in. Yet, this time I'm fighting back, not willing to succumb so easily.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).
Day 52, March 2nd
Release caused by acupuncture. Wonderful evening with F2F group.
Day 53, March 3rd
Yoga and cleaning. Very productive day.
Day 54, March 4th
Found great deals, saving huge amounts of money by buying in bulk rather than at grocery store. Love deals and budgeting. Paying off debt/saving was a hobby of mine. Only now able to set goals for paying off debt and eliminating soda in my diet.
Day 55, March 5th
Alone time for personal grooming! Feels good to have pretty toes.
Day 56, March 6th
Beginning of ABH.
Day 57, March 7th
ABH study guide arrived. Began homework. Really wish this study helps.
Day 58, March 8th
Words spoken through children.
Day 59, 60, and 61, March 9th, 10th, 11th
Worked on study guide. Still searching.
Day 62, March 12th
Video chat with my brother in Guam. Happily he and his family are okay following tsunami.
Day 63, March 13th
Daylight savings. Wait that isn't good, but at least my car clock will now display the correct time.
Day 64, March 14th
Happy Learn About Butterflies Day! LOVE my 'butterfly'!
Day 65, March 15th
Happy Absolutely Incredible Kid Day! LOVE my absolutely incredible kid!
Day 66, March 16th
Acupuncture.
Day 67, March 17th
Nap! I absolutely love naps. Why do we have to ever stop naps in elementary school?
Day 68, March 18th
Time with a great friend! Think positively, think positively; Dustin's good opportunity is around the corner.
Day 69, March 19th
Much less stressed husband!
Day 70, March 20th
Wonderful day. Brunch with MIL. Participated in ABH via video chat. So nice seeing the women talking. Enjoyed the evening playing Uno by candlelight with hubby ☺! Thank you electricity for going out.
Day 71, March 21st
1Peter 5:10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." Longing for such a time!
Day 72, March 22nd
Boy meets unborn sister.
Day 73, March 23rd
In "I Won't Let Go" (by country group) Rascal Flatts never mentions who 'I' is. When I hear the song I cannot help but feel as if God is 'I'.
Day 74, March 24th
"If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away", hubby and I would pack Tatum and the pets to induce them to Payton. We'd stop in to say hi to Jodi Lee, Jaden, and all the grandparents. If I saw the Lord, I'd ask him why? Why are baby?
Day 75, March 25th
"I Still Create Rainbows" billboard. Exactly what I needed to see today.
Day 76, March 26th
Lovely dinner out. Mussels! Best risotto ever- asparagus, artichoke, and spinach! Yum Yum! And so affordable, heck yeah! And gift cards always help.
Day 77, March 27th
Another wonderful ABH video chat. So much to analysis and pray for.
Day 78, March 28th
Sounds silly, but on the way to a client's house (running late of coarse) I caught all GREEN lights! I just kept thinking, 'this is amazing' and praised God.
Day 79, March 29th
Came home to smiling faces, clean house, and dinner on the table! It's nice having an unemployed husband.
Day 80, March 30th
I truly believe the Lord sends us a 'signs' the moment we need them. A 'sign' can come in many different forms; spoken by a pastor, kind act of a stranger, written on a billboard, or heard through a song. If we pay attention signs are every where. Today "Keep Your Head Up" and "Firework" aired back-to-back on the radio. Rainbows are mentioned in both songs. Yet another sign to have faith and be patient ☺.
Day 81, March 31st
Met with a new acupuncturist. Why did I waisted my time and money going back to the first one? The treatment was helpful but he understood or took me seriously. I feel good about the new acupuncturist. She is compassionate, listened, and understood! All I wanted was to be Heard and Understood.
Day 82, April 1st
What started as an emotional and difficult conversation with hubby, ended with understanding and greater love.
Day 83, April 2nd
Beautiful spring day missing Payton. At Tatum's request she and I sat in Payton's garden. I am actually looking forward to planting new flowers to watch bloom.
Day 84, April 3rd
After each ABH session my heart is lighter. Tonight's discussion about freewill verses destiny, although not in great detail, provided some clarity my small brain can comprehend. Then I was met by Tatum's written letter P for Baby Payton. Bittersweet.
Day 85, April 9th
Tarot reading.
Day 86, April 13th
Behind again! I want to be more than choices, past mistake, or problems. "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North.
Day 87, April 14th
Blessings by Laura Story is amazing! Please let "Your healing comes through tears", because Lord you know how many tears have been shed.
Day 88, April 15th
In every store I see butterflies: on frames, decorations, muffin pan, ect. Each time I stop and smile. But I am absolutely obsessed with anything that has a frog and butterfly together, as if in some way my girls are together [bittersweet tears]. Found a yard decoration with a butterfly on a frog's tongue. So cute, so childlike [more bittersweet tears].
Day 89, April 16th
LOVE, LOVE the lyrics, "If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place" in "Homesick" by Mercy Me. I am so out of place; half of my heart is here and half is in Heaven.
Day 90, April 17th
ABH!
Day 91, April 18th
"You Love Me Anyway"
Day 92, April 19th
If you couldn't tell by the recent play list, I've been listening to K-Love. The praise shows are always wonderful, but lately I've been drawn to songs about comforting the heartbroken and imperfect people. "You carry me, Jesus carry me." Please carry me! "Everything I Need"
Day 93, April 20th
I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways lately. From songs, beautiful women in ABH, lovely women I've met on this broken road, to my acupuncturist. Since beginning treatment with the new acupuncturist I felt understood and heard. Today I know part of the reason. She has suffered her own loss. My heart aches for her. Yet, I am so thankful to God for leading me to her. Despite feeling blessed, I still believe God could have found a way to bless me without taking Payton.
July
I concede. I failed the challenge. It was a good run, but I just couldn't keep up.
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