Payton's 2nd Angelversary

Payton's day has come and gone but I've yet to post. I could say life has been busy not allowing time. But that isn't entirely true. I haven't posted because I don't know what to write. Leading up to the day my anxiety as well as sadness were strong. I hadn't felt that sad in a long time. I know there were many factors. Not to mention I was extremely worried how dinner would go. Still I was surprised how sad and tearful I was. How fresh the loss felt.

Dustin and I feel we need to celebrate (so to speak) her day just as we celebrate Tatum's birthday. Last year we remembered our daughter by sharing a meal with family and friends. It was a peaceful evening because the family and friends who came understood. Dustin and I felt supported. We wanted again to have dinner, making it a tradition each year. However, we went back and forth on whither to invite others and whom to invite. In the end we decided to keep it intimate by only inviting Payton's grandparents, uncles and aunts.

Before dinner, we released balloons. Tatum wrote on a balloon; "Dear Payton I love you and I really really really miss you. I wish you could come from Heaven to visit, but you can't". Tatum also insistent she have a different colored balloon to send to God.

Next we had an artichoke pecorino flan.

After we enjoyed a delicious four course meal. I am a lucky woman my husband is a great cook.



We began with an argula salad with prosciutto, shaved parmesan,
and candied walnuts in a balsamic reduction.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


The entree was slice steak with brunello sauce served with wilted spinach with currants and pine nuts.



Ending with creme brulee for dessert.

After dinner, Dustin connected the laptop to the tv so we all could watch Payton's slideshow from ABH Bible study. Everyone thanked us for showing it and commented it was beautiful. However, the mood... well the best I can describe was forced. It felt we were forcing our daughter and her memory on others. The evening was uncomfortable, which in a way okay. Death is uncomfortable. I don't know... Maybe it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if people remembered why we were together and mentioned Payton and there wasn't drama which I'm not going to into.

I understand others don't have the same connect with Payton as Dustin, Tatum or I. In fact, Dustin, Tatum, and I all have different connections with Payton. Yet, they are related to her and if nothing else should try to understand what it would be like to lose a child. Therefore, try to understand how we might feel. But most don't. Simply saying 'I don't know what that is like' is a cop-out. I need to do some soul searching. I need to decide if I'm okay with forcing my daughter on a few family members, or to have a peaceful evening with supportive people, or only the four of us celebrate Payton. I have a year to figure it out. Any thoughts?

Payton Bear

It's here! My Payton Bear is here! This afternoon on my way to run errands I stopped at the mailbox, surprised to receive a package. Once in the car I glanced at the sender's name- Molly Bears. As fast as I could I riped the box open. There it was, the beautiful Payton Bear. For several minutes I sat there clutching the bear. Thank you Molly Bears family for a wonderful gift, and what perfect timing. To learn more about Molly Bears head on over to their site.

Wake Me When January Ends

Once upon a time January was exciting. A new year full of hope. Full of promise. Offering the possibility of making this year better than the last. A chance to right all the wrongs of the past 12 months. That was then. This is now. January no longer represents potential. It stands for bittersweet. A month of deep mixed emotions; beginning by celebrating Tatum's birth, followed by the celebration of Dustin and I's marriage, as the month progresses the bitterness blankets the sweetness bringing Payton's day.

Losing Payton will never stop hurting. The pain of saying goodbye to my daughter, of burring my baby, of not watching her grow, of not having her here, will never stop hurting. Yet over the last two years I've learned a lot. I've learned "time heals all" is a load of crap. I've learned what “it will get easier” means. It doesn't mean the pain will stop or life will return to normal. It does mean after time, tears, and hurt the pain lessons (at times) and you learn to live a new normal. I've learned about disappointment and surprise. I've learned about people. I've learned the shallowness some posses. I've learned the depth of love, caring, and thoughtfulness of others. I've learned the people you count on aren't always the ones you thought. I've learned in one moment your closest friend can become an acquaintance. And in the same moment a complete stranger can become your closest companion. I've learned you never know who is who until the moment happens.

'Tis the time of year memories and pain come flooding back forgetting two years have elapsed. I wish the month passes quickly.