Once upon a time January was exciting. A new year full of hope. Full of promise. Offering the possibility of making this year better than the last. A chance to right all the wrongs of the past 12 months. That was then. This is now. January no longer represents potential. It stands for bittersweet. A month of deep mixed emotions; beginning by celebrating Tatum's birth, followed by the celebration of Dustin and I's marriage, as the month progresses the bitterness blankets the sweetness bringing Payton's day.
Losing Payton will never stop hurting. The pain of saying goodbye to my daughter, of burring my baby, of not watching her grow, of not having her here, will never stop hurting. Yet over the last two years I've learned a lot. I've learned "time heals all" is a load of crap. I've learned what “it will get easier” means. It doesn't mean the pain will stop or life will return to normal. It does mean after time, tears, and hurt the pain lessons (at times) and you learn to live a new normal. I've learned about disappointment and surprise. I've learned about people. I've learned the shallowness some posses. I've learned the depth of love, caring, and thoughtfulness of others. I've learned the people you count on aren't always the ones you thought. I've learned in one moment your closest friend can become an acquaintance. And in the same moment a complete stranger can become your closest companion. I've learned you never know who is who until the moment happens.
'Tis the time of year memories and pain come flooding back forgetting two years have elapsed. I wish the month passes quickly.
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