Payton's day has come and gone but I've yet to post. I could say life has been busy not allowing time. But that isn't entirely true. I haven't posted because I don't know what to write. Leading up to the day my anxiety as well as sadness were strong. I hadn't felt that sad in a long time. I know there were many factors. Not to mention I was extremely worried how dinner would go. Still I was surprised how sad and tearful I was. How fresh the loss felt.
Dustin and I feel we need to celebrate (so to speak) her day just as we celebrate Tatum's birthday. Last year we remembered our daughter by sharing a meal with family and friends. It was a peaceful evening because the family and friends who came understood. Dustin and I felt supported. We wanted again to have dinner, making it a tradition each year. However, we went back and forth on whither to invite others and whom to invite. In the end we decided to keep it intimate by only inviting Payton's grandparents, uncles and aunts.
Before dinner, we released balloons. Tatum wrote on a balloon; "Dear Payton I love you and I really really really miss you. I wish you could come from Heaven to visit, but you can't". Tatum also insistent she have a different colored balloon to send to God.
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Next we had an artichoke pecorino flan.
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After we enjoyed a delicious four course meal. I am a lucky woman my husband is a great cook.
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| We began with an argula salad with prosciutto, shaved parmesan, and candied walnuts in a balsamic reduction. |
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| The entree was slice steak with brunello sauce served with wilted spinach with currants and pine nuts. |
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Ending with creme brulee for dessert.
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After dinner, Dustin connected the laptop to the tv so we all could watch Payton's slideshow from ABH Bible study. Everyone thanked us for showing it and commented it was beautiful. However, the mood... well the best I can describe was forced. It felt we were forcing our daughter and her memory on others. The evening was uncomfortable, which in a way okay. Death is uncomfortable. I don't know... Maybe it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if people remembered why we were together and mentioned Payton and there wasn't drama which I'm not going to into.
I understand others don't have the same connect with Payton as Dustin, Tatum or I. In fact, Dustin, Tatum, and I all have different connections with Payton. Yet, they are related to her and if nothing else should try to understand what it would be like to lose a child. Therefore, try to understand how we might feel. But most don't. Simply saying 'I don't know what that is like' is a cop-out. I need to do some soul searching. I need to decide if I'm okay with forcing my daughter on a few family members, or to have a peaceful evening with supportive people, or only the four of us celebrate Payton. I have a year to figure it out. Any thoughts?
1 comment:
I think you sort of already know...because you said something so RIGHT, but yet...so unattainable. You said they should at least try to understand what it feels like to lose a child...at least try to understand how you feel.
The thing is, you know they won't. Ever. They can't. It's just not possible to have that perspective without living it. And really...are we holding our family members responsible for something they are truly emotionally, mentally and physically not able to do?
Of course, we SAY we'd be different if roles were reversed. And maybe we would. But maybe we wouldn't...again, just know way to know unless it's your life, and even then...day to day, the way we handle it changes.
So I guess, realizing that, finally...we have decided it doesn't matter if Matthew is as treasured to another soul on this planet, family included (and your family was far more cognizant of Payton than ours was of Matthew for his birthday), as he is to us, and as we will teach him to be to Luke and any other siblings, should they come. I wish it was different, but it's not. And that's ok. Their loss. But not ours (not again, that is).
We are completely content to remember him together, just us...our little family. In fact, it sort of makes it even more special to us...like we really, really do have a treasure that so many people are just missing out on and we are honored to have.
xoxoxo
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