Goals

First day back to work. I cried the whole drive. I kept thinking why am I returning today? Exactly one month from the day Payton should have been born. My brain kept screaming she should be one month today. I should be exhausted from nighttime feedings. I should smell like baby spit up. I almost turned around. I just wanted to go home and stay in bed. In the end, I made it through the day. It was hard to see everyone, with their sympathetic half smiles. Hearing “glad to see you” or asking “how are you”. Honestly, I’m not glad to see any of them. I should be on maternity leave. How am I? My heart is broken. I am completely devastated that is how I am. Knowing that wasn’t what people want to hear, I answered, “ok” or “doing as good as I can”, whatever that means.

I spent most of the day locked in my office thinking of the group homework. In addition to journaling and reading articles, we had to identify goals. Goals? When I think of goals I think something one aims or desires to achieve. My only desire is to hold Payton in my arms. That not happening, I don’t have goals. How can I? Having goals involves looking toward the future. I cannot think of the future right now. My future included my daughter Payton. I’m struggling to make it through each day.