Bad Mother

I’m a bad mother. I’m a bad wife. Dustin and Tatum would be better off without me (no I am not suicidal). They both need and deserve a happy, kind, caring, and loving woman. A woman able to meet their needs. A woman who, if she knows she isn’t a good mother or wife, is at least able to improve. That woman isn’t me. It would be best if Dustin and I divorced. It would be best if Dustin remarried a good wife and stepmother. A woman without my medical history. A woman who didn’t have small placentas. A woman who didn’t give birth to low weight, low glucose level Tatum. A woman who didn’t deliver dead Payton. A woman whose body didn’t harm or kill her babies. A woman who had healthy babies (boys) for Dustin and siblings for Tatum. This is the woman Dustin should marry. This is the woman who should be Tatum’s stepmother.

This is brought on by feeling suspicious of Dustin. I don’t believe he is being completely honest with me about the cause of Payton’s death. Cord accident he said. I think he wants me to feel better. He doesn’t want me to feel responsible for her death. But I AM responsible. I wasn’t a good mother to her. All I had to do was keep her safe, eat/ drink right, take the medications, talk to her, and love her. I failed her. I occasionally drank Pepsi; I knew I shouldn’t but I did. Once I forgot to take the shot. I didn’t talk to her as much as when Tatum was in my womb. I didn’t keep her safe. Her death is my fault. I killed my baby, not intentionally. I would never intentionally harm her but the outcome is the same. I am responsible for Payton’s death. My body killed her. I killed her. I just hope she knew I loved her. Knows I love her. Knows I will always love her.