Shoulds

Payton should be two-months-old today. I should be nursing her. There should be piles of dirty diapers and clothes. Dustin and I should be exhausted. We should be happy. We should be celebrating and for Tatum we should have cake. Cake, fries, and shrimp are Tatum’s current favorite foods. The three of us should eat cake and then Dustin and I should read a new book to both girls. That is how we should celebrate the month birthdays of our baby- with a new book. Like I said, should. There are so many shoulds, but no dos. All week I dreaded this day, mentally preparing for the heart-breaking reminder of losing Payton. Even now without any effort, I can see the ultrasound image of her tiny body and the blackness where her beating heart should have been; yet another should.

Dustin understanding this day, woke up with Tatum and took her downstairs for breakfast. From our bedroom I could hear her whining. Once breakfast was over Dustin brought her upstairs so he could shower and dress for work. Tatum was still whining. I asked her to come snuggle with me, which she did. I said “you seem to be having a difficult day like mommy”. She answered “yes”. I asked why. Her response astounded me. She responded “Baby Pay" followed by two words I didn’t understand. What? Is she having a difficult day because of Baby Pay? I didn’t understand. She knows Baby Pay but not once have we mentioned the meaning of today (or any day). We are always very careful about what we say in her presence. I waited breathlessly for Dustin to walk out of the bathroom. Once he stepped out I asked if he said anything to her about today. He had not. I’m amazed how perceptive and compassionate she is.