Payton's Candles

Payton was born silent three months ago. If the day wasn't hard enough, I received a text from a friend. She was in labor. Selfishly I thought 'please don't have the baby today' and 'please have a boy'. Eventually she had a c-section but at least it’s a boy! Sadly, I also received an email from a woman in our group. Her friend had to deliver twins without heartbeats. How ironic, my friend gave birth to a health baby while on the other side of town a woman lost both her babies. I know both feelings. I know the feeling of complete joy and love. I also know the feeling of complete sorrow and heartbreak. I’m happy for my friend but my heartaches for the other woman.

Before Easter I felt a strong desire to light a candle for Payton. Although, I never understood the lighting of candles for lost loved ones, I Needed a candle for Payton. One afternoon I went searching for the perfect candle. After looking in a couple of stores I landed in Hallmark. Hallmark had candles entitled ‘family’, ‘love’, ect; each with a sentimental saying and each in a box. One type read, ‘Daughters are a wonderful blessing from above…filling our hearts with happiness, thoughtfulness, and love’. Was it too cheesy? Was it appropriate for a baby? Was it what I had envisioned? I was lost in thought when I noticed behind ‘Daughters’ was a candle that read, ‘Sisters fill our lives with happiness and love…they are always cherished and held dear to our hearts’. It was the only ‘Sisters’ candle and didn’t have a box. Was the candle a sign from Payton? A reminder of the other significant relationship in our household? Payton is not only our daughter but also Tatum’s sister. I realized as Tatum matures she would need to be included in the grieving and honoring of Payton. I stood in the Hallmark store sobbing for who knows how long. I asked the cashier if there was a box for the candle. She said it was odd the candle was on the shelf without a box but would check the back. Was it odd? In the storeroom she found the box. I bought both candles. Tonight, needing to feel connected I lit Payton’s candles.