“My Blinders Are Broken”

Tatum is more than two years old. Normally Dustin and I are on the ball. But normal has dramatically changed. This year we moved into our new home on her birthday. The following weekend we celebrated her birthday with a small party. The next 11 days we worked on getting the house in order, anticipating soon we would have a new baby. However, it didn’t happen. On January 20 we learned Payton wouldn’t be coming home. Since which time there was Payton’s funeral, Dustin’s grandparents were in and out of the hospital, eventually both died, emotional ‘anniversaries’, holidays (which we attempted to skip), yard work, and days where leaving the house wasn’t an option. So here we are without pictures. Today was the day! I felt positive and strong. Today I could get through it. I, (some might say bribed- I call it positive reinforcement) told Tatum “if you get dressed, let mommy do your hair, and smile for the pictures mommy will buy you fries”. Fries are one of her favorite foods—thanks Grandma Brenda and Grandma Sue.

Hair done; I gathered her dress, socks, and shoes. I was going to change her in the studio. Minutes into the drive, I turned around and saw muddy footprints on her dress. That’s one way to get a new dress :). Dustin decided to stop at Babies-R-Us. As soon as he said the words, Babies-R-Us, tears welled up and a knot grew in my stomach. I should’ve known the emotional tone of the day had changed. Dustin offered to go into the store by himself. He most certainly would. Not only is it hard for me to see babies (even just the infant car seats), pregnant women, and baby clothes but also I haven’t been in that store since buying the christening dress Payton was buried in. Yes, he would go alone! Dustin said it wasn’t as hard for him because he had blinders on and so didn’t see the babies, pregnant women, or baby clothes. I didn’t dare mention the other reason it was impossible for me to walk into the store. As Tatum and I drove around the parking lot I watched pregnant women and babies walk-in and out of the store. They were everywhere- after all it is Babies-R-Us. Dustin returned holding back tears. He said, “my blinders are broken”. He had walked past the christening dresses and it hit him. All of a sudden everywhere he looked he SAW babies and pregnant women. He said he wanted to punch the pregnant woman in front of him in line. Welcome to my world.

We continued to the studio and of course the parking lot was full of babies. We went into the studio, thankful no babies. The manager said her employee was running 20 minutes late. Ok, we had to exchange rods and buy cat food. In line babies and pregnant women surrounded us. Dustin now unable to not see them said, “tonight it's going to be nice to be around normal people”. I just smiled and nodded. Ah, yes normal people. Tonight we were meeting up with two couples from our group. 40 minutes later, the employee was ready (and about to pop out a baby). However, Tatum was hitting the hungry, tired, grumpy point. The manager came over bouncing and singing. Within minutes she turned around Tatum’s grumpy mood. The pictures turned out great. We were selecting images when in walked a woman and her infant. I lost it. It hit me we will never have pictures taken of Payton. We will never have pictures of Payton and Tatum. We will never have pictures of our family, All of Us. After the pictures we went home emotionally and physically exhausted.

Later we went to a comedy show and dinner with the couples. No babies at the comedy show- wahoo. But of coarse at dinner sitting behind us was a family with an infant. After dinner one couple and us went out for a drink. The wife reminded me it has only been three months since we lost Payton. At times it feels like yesterday and other times it seems like decades. Three months when I reflect, I guess I’m doing ok. I have tough days, many tough days but I have come a long way. I get up, brush my teeth, shower, dress, and make it through each day. I even have a few moments in which I smile or laugh; Tatum is usually the cause. Over all the night was normal. I felt normal. These are my normal people.