Please Don't Leave...

I expected to be thrilled, shouting good riddance 2010. Instead I find myself overcome with sadness, begging 2010 not to leave. This year, although briefly, Payton was alive. I felt her move. I saw her heart beating on a screen.

As 2011 approaches I realize I'm further away from her. All day my thoughts were focused on where we were last new year... Our future looked so bright. We closed on a new home. Dustin spent the night painting the girls' bedrooms. I spent the night finishing the last of the packing. We were excited to have a new home for both our girls. We could not wait to meet Payton. Three weeks later our life took a devastating turn. 2010 is the worst year my husband or I have ever had.

I have no idea what 2011 holds for us. Honestly, I do not think I want to know. But I would like to be more productive; household chores, exercising, and such. I have to believe keeping myself busy will be a great distraction, and my house and waist could use the extra attention.

We Survived

Well we did it. We made it through Christmas with the help of sun, sand, cervezas, and a few tears. It was the best decision to spend the holiday in Los Cabos. It did not feel like Christmas and we avoided family drama!

Outraged!

I haven't used this blog as a political platform before. Frankly, I have Zero political aspirations. However, I have to comment on CO Law, in which a hit-and-run driver will not be charged with murder because the victim, a 34-week gestation baby died before he/she was able to take a breath; and therefore not considered a person. Oh, my! Outrageous! Infuriating! How can the law define a baby living inside his mother's womb not a person. Inside or out a Baby is a Person! The man should be charged with murder. The poor baby, he and his family are victims. The family deserves justice for the death of their child. My heart goes out to them and the journey the are now thrust into.

So It Happened

I've been wondering if we would receive a Christmas photo card with a baby on it. Well it happened last night. I opened a card from a college friend and who was on the front? Smiling proud papa and momma, and their happy, alive baby.

Jaw Dropping Continues

Tatum continues to say Payton died and went to Heaven, she misses Payton, and she wants Payton to come back. It isn't as shocking now. At least until she drops a new comment. Yesterday she told me, "My want a new baby". What? Ah, my heart sunk. Where does she come up with this stuff?

Big Conversations with a Little Person

The past week was emotional exhausting, but steps in helping Tatum grieve- I hope.

It started Wednesday evening. Dustin called to say he and Tatum would be late because Ms. L and he had a long talk about Tatum’s day. During lunch Tatum told her friends, “My sister died and go to Heaven”. Ms. L validated Payton was in Heaven and tried to redirect Tatum. However, she would not be redirected. She repeatedly said her sister died. Ms. L wasn’t bothered by Tatum’s words, except Tatum had a pee accident, a poo accident, and was super aggressive toward her friends. She yelled, threw sand, and hit the other children.

Tatum often talks about Payton at home but this was only the second time she mentioned Payton at day care. She normally doesn’t have accidents nor is she aggressive. Dustin and I are baffled where she learned the word died, we never use it. I can type died but not say the word…there is a safe disconnect in typing. We say Payton is in Heaven. Dustin isn’t as concerned as I. Maybe it is the therapist in me; but regressive behaviors, acting out, and recent nightmares…hum. Three nights she ended up in our bed because of nightmares. Once I went into her room as she screamed and kicked the bed.

Thursday, at home Tatum had two accidents; both times she didn’t even attempt to use the potty. She sat there and nonchalantly told me, “I peed on mommy’s bed”. I was more worried than angry. While watching "Alvin and the Chipmunks" she and I had the following conversation...

Tatum: (Matter-of-factly), “My sister died and go to Heaven. Baby Pay died and go to Heaven”.
Me: (As much as I tried to prepare myself for her comment, I wasn’t. Hearing my innocent two-year-old baby say, “My sister died..” took my breath away), “Yes your sister, Baby Payton is in Heaven”.
Tatum: “My miss Baby Payton”.
Me: “I know. I miss Baby Payton too”. My breath again caught in my chest with her next words.
Tatum: “My want my sister back. My want Baby Payton come back”.
Me: (Huge Sigh), “I know you do. I want Baby Payton to come back too. But she cannot”.
Tatum: “My love my sister”.
Me: “I know you love Baby Payton. Mommy and Daddy love Baby Payton and you. Baby Payton loves you”.
Tatum: “Yes. Baby Payton loves me and Mommy and Daddy”.
And the question dreaded most...
Tatum: “Why Baby Payton died and go to Heaven?”
Me: "Um..." (Long pause), “I don’t know. Sometimes people go to Heaven”.

Such an adult conversation with such a little girl. Sigh!

As I made dinner she again told me her sister died and ran off to play. After she went to bed Dustin and I decided to give an item of Payton's to Tatum.

First thing Friday morning Tatum told me her sister died. She then ran downstairs to tell Dustin. After which, she was quickly off to play. The follow conversation happened during dinner...

Tatum: "My birthday come up soon".

Dustin and I: "Yes it is".

Tatum: "My friends come to my birthday party. Sing 'Happy Birthday' to me and eat cake". She listed each friend and... "Baby Payton come to my birthday party".

Us: "No love, Baby Payton cannot come to your birthday party. Payton is in Heaven".

Tatum: "But my want Baby Payton come my birthday party".

Us: "We wish she could but she is in Heaven".

Tatum: "My miss Baby Payton".

Us: "We know. We miss Baby Payton too".

With a heavy heart, I went into Payton room for Sleep Sheep On the Go.

Us: "Mommy's friends bought this for Baby Payton. Payton couldn’t take it with her to Heaven. The sheep is very special to Daddy and Mommy. We want you to have it, so whenever you feel sad or miss Baby Payton you can give the sheep a big hug. Would you like the sheep?" 

Tatum: "Yes".

Tatum: (With a quivery lip and clinging to the sheep), “My love Baby Payton”.

Us: "We will always love Payton". 

Another adult conversation with a little girl. Sigh!

This year- Tatum hugging sheep

Last year- Tatum kissing Payton

The next morning Tatum said she loved Baby Payton and asked for the sheep.

Sunday evening I noticed Payton’s door was opened. I asked Tatum if she opened the door. Dustin and I told her Payton’s room held many important things we didn’t want Kitty to ruin. If she wanted to go into the room she should ask Daddy or Mommy and we’d go together. She naturally wanted to go into Payton’s room. First she grabbed the sheep. She walked around asking what things were and why Payton had a crib. I told her, “We thought Baby Payton would sleep here, but she went to Heaven”. Tatum responded, “Baby Payton sleep in Heaven”. Heartbroken, yes Payton is sleeping in Heaven. Sigh!

Last night Tatum asked again for Payton to come to her birthday party.

Even though I work with young children, I am often in awe of their love, empathy, and understanding. Dustin and I thought we were responding appropriately. We allow Tatum to talk about Payton on her terms. Yet, we don’t mention Payton much. We are careful what is said in Tatum’s presence, careful not to impose our grief on her. I now realize we were wrong. We need to talk about Payton more with Tatum, instead of just waiting on her cues. The sheep was late in giving. I know that now. Correlation or not, Tatum didn't have an accident and slept good for three days. Yay!

To the Woman in the Grocery Store

The 30 minute drive to/from work has always been my time to decompress, to switch my brain from thoughts of clients to my family. This year the time is used to remove the plastered smile mask and to breakdown about some thoughtless comment, having seen another baby, or having heard of yet another baby. Most of the time I am alone with thoughts of Payton. I do my best thinking while driving. Wish I could type while driving because by the time I have access to a computer I'm all thought out. I'm getting off track. 

Driving home tonight, I remembered an occurrence from 2.5 years ago, when Tatum was four or five-months-old. Dustin,Tatum, and I were in the grocery store. Tatum never liked to sit/lay. She preferred to be held and watch her surroundings. She was strapped to Dustin in the baby carrier. Is there anything more adorable than a father carrying his child in a baby carrier? Well, except the scene in "The Hangover". Again I'm getting off track. Anyhow, I left the two of them in an aisle. When I returned Dustin had a weird look on his face. I asked what was wrong. A tearful woman had walked up to Tatum and commented how beautiful she was. Dustin joked our daughter was so beautiful she made grown women cry.

Thinking back I wonder if maybe she too lost a baby and seeing Tatum upset her. It is strange how my perspective has drastically changed. In my blissful ignorance I thought the woman's behavior odd. Of coarse, I Know Tatum is beautiful ☺, but to bring another to tears? Now I get it. I cannot count the number of times I cried at the sight of a baby, or baby items, heck I've even cried at the sight of an infant carseat. To the woman and others I have unknowingly hurt due to my ignorance, I am deeply sorry!