The past week was emotional exhausting, but steps in helping Tatum grieve- I hope.
It started Wednesday evening. Dustin called to say he and Tatum would be late because Ms. L and he had a long talk about Tatum’s day. During lunch Tatum told her friends, “My sister died and go to Heaven”. Ms. L validated Payton was in Heaven and tried to redirect Tatum. However, she would not be redirected. She repeatedly said her sister died. Ms. L wasn’t bothered by Tatum’s words, except Tatum had a pee accident, a poo accident, and was super aggressive toward her friends. She yelled, threw sand, and hit the other children.
Tatum often talks about Payton at home but this was only the second time she mentioned Payton at day care. She normally doesn’t have accidents nor is she aggressive. Dustin and I are baffled where she learned the word died, we never use it. I can type died but not say the word…there is a safe disconnect in typing. We say Payton is in Heaven. Dustin isn’t as concerned as I. Maybe it is the therapist in me; but regressive behaviors, acting out, and recent nightmares…hum. Three nights she ended up in our bed because of nightmares. Once I went into her room as she screamed and kicked the bed.
Thursday, at home Tatum had two accidents; both times she didn’t even attempt to use the potty. She sat there and nonchalantly told me, “I peed on mommy’s bed”. I was more worried than angry. While watching "Alvin and the Chipmunks" she and I had the following conversation...
Tatum: (Matter-of-factly), “My sister died and go to Heaven. Baby Pay died and go to Heaven”.
Me: (As much as I tried to prepare myself for her comment, I wasn’t. Hearing my innocent two-year-old baby say, “My sister died..” took my breath away), “Yes your sister, Baby Payton is in Heaven”.
Tatum: “My miss Baby Payton”.
Me: “I know. I miss Baby Payton too”. My breath again caught in my chest with her next words.
Tatum: “My want my sister back. My want Baby Payton come back”.
Me: (Huge Sigh), “I know you do. I want Baby Payton to come back too. But she cannot”.
Tatum: “My love my sister”.
Me: “I know you love Baby Payton. Mommy and Daddy love Baby Payton and you. Baby Payton loves you”.
Tatum: “Yes. Baby Payton loves me and Mommy and Daddy”.
And the question dreaded most...
Tatum: “Why Baby Payton died and go to Heaven?”
Me: "Um..." (Long pause), “I don’t know. Sometimes people go to Heaven”.
Such an adult conversation with such a little girl. Sigh!
As I made dinner she again told me her sister died and ran off to play. After she went to bed Dustin and I decided to give an item of Payton's to Tatum.
First thing Friday morning Tatum told me her sister died. She then ran downstairs to tell Dustin. After which, she was quickly off to play. The follow conversation happened during dinner...
Tatum: "My birthday come up soon".
Dustin and I: "Yes it is".
Tatum: "My friends come to my birthday party. Sing 'Happy Birthday' to me and eat cake". She listed each friend and... "Baby Payton come to my birthday party".
Us: "No love, Baby Payton cannot come to your birthday party. Payton is in Heaven".
Tatum: "But my want Baby Payton come my birthday party".
Us: "We wish she could but she is in Heaven".
Tatum: "My miss Baby Payton".
Us: "We know. We miss Baby Payton too".
With a heavy heart, I went into Payton room for Sleep Sheep On the Go.
Us: "Mommy's friends bought this for Baby Payton. Payton couldn’t take it with her to Heaven. The sheep is very special to Daddy and Mommy. We want you to have it, so whenever you feel sad or miss Baby Payton you can give the sheep a big hug. Would you like the sheep?"
Tatum: "Yes".
Tatum: (With a quivery lip and clinging to the sheep), “My love Baby Payton”.
Us: "We will always love Payton".
Another adult conversation with a little girl. Sigh!
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| This year- Tatum hugging sheep |
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| Last year- Tatum kissing Payton |
The next morning Tatum said she loved Baby Payton and asked for the sheep.
Sunday evening I noticed Payton’s door was opened. I asked Tatum if she opened the door. Dustin and I told her Payton’s room held many important things we didn’t want Kitty to ruin. If she wanted to go into the room she should ask Daddy or Mommy and we’d go together. She naturally wanted to go into Payton’s room. First she grabbed the sheep. She walked around asking what things were and why Payton had a crib. I told her, “We thought Baby Payton would sleep here, but she went to Heaven”. Tatum responded, “Baby Payton sleep in Heaven”. Heartbroken, yes Payton is sleeping in Heaven. Sigh!
Last night Tatum asked again for Payton to come to her birthday party.
Last night Tatum asked again for Payton to come to her birthday party.
Even though I work with young children, I am often in awe of their love, empathy, and understanding. Dustin and I thought we were responding appropriately. We allow Tatum to talk about Payton on her terms. Yet, we don’t mention Payton much. We are careful what is said in Tatum’s presence, careful not to impose our grief on her. I now realize we were wrong. We need to talk about Payton more with Tatum, instead of just waiting on her cues. The sheep was late in giving. I know that now. Correlation or not, Tatum didn't have an accident and slept good for three days. Yay!
1 comment:
Much love to you as you try to navigate your own grief and help with your daughters. After just burying another of his siblings just two weeks ago, my little boy is asking more "adult" questions and trying to explain things has been more difficult. Answering our little ones questions has to be one of the most challeging parts of this grief.
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