I woke in panic. Remembering Wednesday one year ago; waking to contractions, feeling anxious all day, and then... As I went about the morning the flashbacks started. Dropping Tatum off at day care. Driving home from the doctor's office. Pulling into our garage. Unable to exit the car. Walking upstairs. Seeing Payton's door. Seeing my reflection in a mirror. I didn't expect today the 19th to be hard. Still I cannot stop thinking of the events that happened Wednesday 2010. Cannot stop feeling the pain, the despair of the events of last year.
Cannot stop the guilt. My body, me, I'm responsible for killing Payton. My job was the protect her from harm. I failed. I failed Payton. I failed to bring Tatum's sister home. I failed to give Dustin a healthy, living second daughter. My heartbreaks for their pain.
It breaks my heart more to hear Dustin is having similar thoughts, remembering his Wednesday meeting last year when he got my call.
Cannot stop the guilt. My body, me, I'm responsible for killing Payton. My job was the protect her from harm. I failed. I failed Payton. I failed to bring Tatum's sister home. I failed to give Dustin a healthy, living second daughter. My heartbreaks for their pain.
It breaks my heart more to hear Dustin is having similar thoughts, remembering his Wednesday meeting last year when he got my call.
I am glad I decided to work from home today, changing at least one situation.
Oh, I forgot to mention when Dustin turned on the TV rather than the Disney channel he accidentally turned to one TLC's baby series. Later, I turned on the same TV but Disney, the last channel watched was not on. You guessed it, one of TLC's baby shows was on. How the HECK? Way to kick me when I'm down.
Oh, I forgot to mention when Dustin turned on the TV rather than the Disney channel he accidentally turned to one TLC's baby series. Later, I turned on the same TV but Disney, the last channel watched was not on. You guessed it, one of TLC's baby shows was on. How the HECK? Way to kick me when I'm down.
3 comments:
Sending prayers up for you. I'm so sorry you're hurting..
I used to watch those shows but now I avoid them. It sucks.
Thank you so much for the words to that song..wow..It is so true, isn't it? As for your post..I am with you..I am nearing the 22nd which is exactly a year ago when I found out that something was wrong, and that my life would never be the same again. I can remember that day like it was yesterday..walking into the hospital scared to death because I just felt like something wasn't right only to be greeted by the worst news by a horrible technician who lied to me when she said she was going to get my husband to only come back with a radiologist..I had to hear it all by myself..pregnant, hormonal, and scared..I hate that these days have to sneak up on us, and we can't seem to get past them. I hate that you have to feel like you failed your daughter because you didn't fail her at all..that is unfortunately what was planned for her long before you were even born. I know that I feel the same way..I couldn't save her..I couldn't have done anything no matter what..I guess what I am trying to say that it wasn't our job to raise them..God had big plans for them and they were so special that He called them home early. I try to hold on to that fact because it is the only way to make any kind of sense of this mess we are dealing with. Lots of love to you..Sorry about the TLC shows too..blah..It always seems to happen that way..kick em when they are down..
Your thoughts are always so close to how I feel, and I really get encouragement from you as well! I have awarded you a Stylish Blogger Award on my blog because you deserve it!
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