Change Of Plans

After the last post, life threw me a curve ball. The evening of the 19th I was in a car accident. I was hysterical, to put it mildly, and taken to the ER. The paramedics attempted not to take me to the hospital where I delivered Payton. Yet, due to the location of the accident and traffic that is where I found myself. I was only in the ER (not the maternity unit) but forced to return 'to the scene'. As I lay in the exam room my mind was flooded with memories of delivering Payton and of holding her in my arms. In a weird way I guess it was okay- I survived.

I'm thankful to the people who helped. I'm still angry at the adults in the other car. As a parent who lost a baby, I'm angry two adults put six children in a car without seatbelts. I try not to be bitter that people who make irresponsible decisions as to the safety of their children are able to have children; while so many BLM's are living without babies. BTW, I am fine and believe all the other parties are fine too, thank you Lord.

The ironic part is before I left work I was reading an article which stated some unfortunate events in our lives are God’s way of waking us up (I'm simplifying). Later that night I wondered what God wanted me to pay attention to? I still don't know. I only hope the other people pay more attention to the care and safety of their children.

Needless to say, in the end we didn’t go to the Sand Dunes. On the 21st we went to Payton's gravesite. We survived 18 months. Yet, I still cannot stop thinking how different our lives should be, what Payton would be like, what would she look like, or a million other questions. I wonder do we ever stop thinking of the should be's or the what if's?