The past several days have been harder than most. I feel sad. Hopeless. Six months later shouldn’t I feel better not worse? I cannot stop myself from crying over everything. It is to the point where I realize I am being ridiculous, yet I cannot stop. I cried at Lowe’s, Safeway, a restaurant for lunch, driving to church, church (crying at church is nothing new), driving to work, at work; everywhere I went. I even cried myself to sleep.
At times there are actually visible trigger; pregnant women, babies, or sisters; the usual. However, most times my thoughts just get away from me. Our home is in the same subdivision as another house we lost the bid on. Yesterday I drove past the house and could not stop the thoughts or tears. Last fall when we bid on that house life was simple, happy. We were a cute growing family so full of joy. At which, the 'what if's' started. What if we had gotten the bid and moved into that house? What if I had not been frantically unpacking to not notice Payton was moving less? What if I had noticed she was moving less? What if at my prenatal appointment 12 days prior, the perinologist noticed the cord was wrapped around her neck? What if Payton was here with us today? What if Shilo had not miscarried (a year ago today she and her husband learned they were pregnant)? What if instead of us, one of the 13 couples we know lost their baby, would we be understanding and supportive? What if… I usually do not allow myself to travel the 'what if' road. Right now I cannot stop.
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