Men Are From Gameland, Women Are From Tearland

I never doubt Dustin’s love for our daughters. Nor do I doubt his pain in losing Payton. Still, I do not always understand his grief or know how to relate.

Being a woman and mother, it is more acceptable for me to cry and talk about Payton. Dustin being a man, society expects him to be strong and comforting to his wife, often belittling his grief. He is a wonderful husband and father. He holds me when I cry. He listens as I talk about her. He knows my triggers and tries to protect me from them. He is involved in every major decision needing to be made. He even made the funeral arrangements because I could not.

I know he does feel pain but does not express the way I do. He cries, but not as often and only in private. He talks about Payton to our pastor and me, but not as much as I do. I know too, our grief is different. Our coping is different. Our expression of grief is different. Still I do not always get it.

After completing a few work documents, I went downstairs to say goodnight. On the TV scene was Xbox Madden. Dustin names all his players a combination of our two daughters' names; 'Tatum Payton' or my favorite ‘Payter Tot'. Silly as it sounds, I realize this is one way he is coping. I sat there for a minute with tears in my eyes.

Funny story. Earlier this afternoon Tatum and I came into the house and found tissues all over the floor. Our dog Corona had gotten into the bathroom trash. Tatum blurted out, "Corowa messed up our nice, clean house". I could not help but laugh, first time in weeks. She was quoting a line from a book, "Five Little Monkeys with Nothing to Do" by Eileen Christelow. The line is actually, "Who messed up our nice, clean house?" This is probably only funny to Dustin and me. Every night I HAVE to read this book to her, there is no changing it up.