Defined as having little or no feeling or emotion. These days, apathetic is the best word to describe me. I realized this as I watched footage of the recent tsunami in Japan. Sitting in my warm home, I Thought 'oh how sad'; as if it was the correct response, the expected response. However, I Felt nothing. People died. People are missing, cold, hungry, afraid. Lives destroyed. Yet, I Felt nothing?
I think back to last year's earthquake in Haiti, I Felt absolutely devastated. I wept for those who lost loved ones. I could only imagine their pain. Until, weeks later when I knew what it is to lose a child. Now living with the loss, how am I apathetic? On the news was a story about a preschool child who died and how she affected many lives. Again, I Felt nothing, but Thought 'sad' and 'at least she got to live'. This thinking isn't right, it's disturbing.
I’m not apathetic to all loss, not to women who lose their baby during pregnancy or soon after. As I read or hear stories of such women, I Feel their pain and cry for what each is going through. Does this make me situationally apathetic? Apathetic is not a word ever used to describe old Elainna. Nor is it a word I want to describe new Elainna. I’m not sure what to do with my new realization or how to change.
I think back to last year's earthquake in Haiti, I Felt absolutely devastated. I wept for those who lost loved ones. I could only imagine their pain. Until, weeks later when I knew what it is to lose a child. Now living with the loss, how am I apathetic? On the news was a story about a preschool child who died and how she affected many lives. Again, I Felt nothing, but Thought 'sad' and 'at least she got to live'. This thinking isn't right, it's disturbing.
I’m not apathetic to all loss, not to women who lose their baby during pregnancy or soon after. As I read or hear stories of such women, I Feel their pain and cry for what each is going through. Does this make me situationally apathetic? Apathetic is not a word ever used to describe old Elainna. Nor is it a word I want to describe new Elainna. I’m not sure what to do with my new realization or how to change.
2 comments:
This grief is all-consuming. You are doing what your heart needs you to do to survive. Try not to feel bad about the new Elaina. How could you not be a different person? Your world has been rocked to its very core and you will never be the same. I remember when I realized I had numbed myself to the outside world. I remember being so mad that THIS was going to be my life from now on. Its a shitty place to find yourself, but its where we are. Don't beat yourself up for feeling or not feeling anything.
Sending you lots of love,
Lindsey
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have a hard time sympathizing with people who experience things that seem not that horrible to me. I don't understand why a diagnosis of autism is so bad when they get to be with their children even if it might be more difficult. I would have given anything to have been given the chance to be her mother even if was going to have heart problems, mental retardation, etc..We just see things differently, but that doesn't make us bad people. My therapist told me that we will eventually be able to sympathize again, but our grief is just too raw right now. You are a beautiful person who misses her daughter..that doesn't make you a bad person who could care less about the rest of the world. We relate to the people who get us..we can't relate to nuclear disasters or to earthquakes/tsunamis unless we have been there..Keep your chin up! The new us just takes some time getting used to!
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