Didn't Expect This

I've come to accept Tatum's comments about Payton. But this? From a three-year-old? Not expected!

"I not get to see Baby Payton". Tears!

Insight, Clarity, Or Conspicous?

For days I contemplated cancelling, reluctant to have another acupuncture treatment. Despite which, lying on the table, nettles protruding from my body, I silently asked for healing or what He felt was needed. My thoughts went to recent dreams. Throughout both pregnancies I had reoccurring dreams of my childhood home. In each dream, the event was different but always took place in the home I was raised. Night, after night. At the time, I believed the dreams were my subconscious making sense of the parenting received and changes I hoped to make. Seemed logical. Only problem with that logic is a few months ago the dreams returned. Each night the dream is different the only commonality being the home.

California Psychics blog states, "such dreams usually occur when you’re dealing with a problem that stems from your upbringing. After all, your childhood is where you developed the foundation of who you are... Dreams of your childhood home can reveal an ingrained belief or attitude that is keeping you from manifesting what you want..."

Last night I went to bed prepared to hear the message my subconscious is sending. To my surprise, I didn't dream of the home. Instead, I dreamed a male cousin came to visit. My older brother was moving back to FL with the cousin, more specific back to our childhood home. In the dream I was asked to move back but refused. Different dream, different place; yet similar in theme.

As acupuncture continued I processed (what I believe) the meaning of the dream; Letting go. I need to let go of the past and the hold it has. Let go of guilt, responsibility, self-blame, self-punishment, and self-doubt. I also need to let go of control. Life is not what I planned. But it is God's plan. I need to just go with it. Stop fighting.

Logically, I know this. It’s not new information. However, emotions are rarely logical. Plus, I guess I need to hear the message often. Can I blame my father for passing along his stubbornness? Or is blaming regressing? ☺

Opening Up

I watched as Tatum climbed up my bed. Watched, not three-year-old Tatum rather one-year-old Tatum. I tried to remember two-year-old Tatum climbing my bed... but couldn't. At one, she graped the sheet and sort of pulled herself up. At three, she stands on the bed frame and hoists one leg over at a time. At two? I don't know how she crawled up at two. Last year is a blur. It's as if I was watching another person, rather than living. It feels like I have missed an entire year of life. 

Many BLM's blogs include other children. I do too, a little. However, it never feels quite right for me. Also, I want to share Tatumisms with others without them reading my personal thoughts and feelings. For that reason I started a family blog several months ago. We sent the link to our extended family and friends. We want them to know spunky Tatum, the good, and yes the sad. But here, this is my private place. That is the reason my profile does not list my blog names- I don't want extended family reading this blog and I don't want the only blog listed be our family blog.  

Is it weird I have no qualms about sharing personal thoughts and our family life with people I've never actually met? Yet, I do not share personal thoughts with most family in my life? I even feel guilty for not sharing my family life with you sooner, when you share so much. Strange? Strange or not I want to open our family blog to those of you interested. Team Coleman Please, know I understand if you choose not to read.

At times it can be hard to read happy events. Myself, there are days (or moments) when I want the comfort of reading another feels the same darkness I feel. Then there are days when I need to read words of encouragement, that life continues, or see happy faces. Plus, lets be honest I'm not the best blogger ☺and some information may be repeated. 

Payton's Day

I haven't been a good blogger. My only excuse is my thoughts have been all over the map, I cannot corral them to one location let alone type them. Catch up, I will (or so I'm telling myself).

Dustin and I had off the 20th and 21st of January. The only plans we made were to visit Payton's "special place" and have family and friends over for dinner on the 22nd. Dustin wanted to keep busy by repainting our kitchen. I didn't have the energy but wanted a seat for the entry way. We ended up shopping, painting, and decorating for two and a half days. I'm happy with how we spent Payton's days, more than happy. I love the final product. Our home is warm and inviting. Every where is evidence of a family with Two beautiful, loved daughters. Next to pictures of Tatum are pictures reminding us of Payton. Along side Tatum's art work are symbolic reminders of Payton. I'm at peace with our house, our home, which I didn't believe possible. Payton is present in our home for all to see, which is important.

Our family and friends loved our home. Many commented on how beautifully Payton was included. Everyone loved our footprint picture taken in Cabo. Yet, what was loved most was the picture of Dustin holding Payton placed between his father's day card. Others were impressed we (it was Dustin) weren't afraid to display his emotion, vulnerability, and pain. One friend thanked us for allowing her to be a part of that moment. I was brought to tears of pride and love for my wonderful husband and his love for his daughters.

 

The evening was exactly what we needed- family and friends spending an evening remembering and honoring our daughter's short but meaningful life. Family and friends, with us wrote messages on balloons, released the balloons, shared a meal, and engaged in lovely conversation. The hardest moments were when Tatum wrote her message and after she released her balloon, yelled "my sister go to Heaven". 

A Mother's Prayer

A Mother's Prayer (Affirmation After Miscarriage)
by Stacey Dinner-Levin

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

Letter to Baby Payton

Tatum wanted to "write" on a piece of card stock. As she was "writing" she said, "My write letter for my sister. My write letter for Baby Payton. Next time I spend letter with balloon to Baby Payton in Heaven". As she continued I heard, "My love my sister. My miss Baby Payton bery much. P-A-Y (spelled) for Baby Payton". She then song "Happy birthday to Baby Payton".

She then came over to show me, "My write circle for Baby Payton. My write heart too. My love Baby Payton bery much. My sister died and go to Heaven. I want to go to Heaven see Baby Payton. When my get big like mommy my go to Heaven?". No, when you get bigger, much bigger than mommy.

When Does It Stop?

It is difficult to think bad news will ever stop. I've had menstrual like cramping in my lower abdomen for a few months. I'm not one to run to the doctor with every ache and pain but this seemed different. The OB/GYN completed a physical exam and PAP, both were normal. However, the sonogram showed "interesting results". Two fibroids and two complex cysts (one on each ovary) were found. I'm in a bit of shock. I'm feel, well... defeated. I want to be hopeful, but my brain is in catastrophize mode thus I have to fight to reframe thoughts. Exhausting! For some reason all this makes me miss Payton even more. It makes sense I guess, because I feel like an even bigger failure. My second child died and now I may not be able to have another. My dead child may be the last.

The hardest part is for now it's wait and see what a second sonogram reveals. One month feels like a life time.